Friday, October 3, 2008


Isn't it crazy how your emotions can temporarily control your life and aspect on every single thing?
Things around here (and by that I mean in my head) have been pretty crazy. Most of the time my mind is just numb to everything going on. I guess that's a good thing because it doesn't give me a chance to really think about my circumstances. I know things could be worse, but not to be somewhere you love is probably the toughest thing to do. In a sense it's creating a whole new temporary identity and I feel like I can't allow myself to be real so as not to get trapped here.
With that being said, the times I do allow my thoughts to truly penetrate me - I have days like my last post, where I am in the pits of despair and struggling to stay on top of things. There are days and sometimes weeks where I long desperately to just be back at APU. Everything has a purpose though right? That's what people keep telling me. Not that I really listen anymore. But everyone always feels compelled to tell me that. Like telling me that is going to make things any better.
My mind has been so filled with all these outside thoughts that really don't matter and was just frustrating me beyond what they should. My mind seems to have its own agenda and own functioning brain (albiet not all that productive). So not only is my heart being pulled in different directions, but so is my brain. How flexible do you think they can get?

haha, I'm just realizing how utterly obsurd this all sounds typed out. Who cares. No one reads this anyways.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sick of waiting

Three days ago.

That was when I was supposed to leave this place for six glorious days and spend it instead in my favorite place....California (more specifically with my APU people). But no... I let my parents talk me out of it. You can't ditch the first week of classes, a whole week off work, no one to go with, driving 24 straight hours? And by the time I finally gave up the idea of road tripping was too late to fly.
I could have flown. I can pick up my crap from storage some other time. I missed the best time as far as school and work are concerned. What was I holding out for?
It frustrates me so much to think that instead of sitting here in my room contemplating whether to do homework or watch tv online-I could have been hanging out with the old gang. I could be playing tennis with Rich, setting up with Katie, playing guitar hero with Teagan, hopping up and down with Janette, boarding with Marsha, watching OTH with Alan, talking with Matt, yelling at Jamari, questioning Ruth about my mysterious bug bites, interrogating Jen about her new bf.....the list goes on.
But no, I'm sitting here in Des Moines, Iowa....wishing desperately that APU had a culinary program and that tuition wouldn't be so dang expensive!!

How long will I feel this way? My whole being does not want to be here but what can I do? I'm stranded.
I have no other option but to wait 2 whole years until I can finally move back to CA. But by then, won't everyone be gone anyways? Will I still love it?
And how many times will I truly be able to visit?
I wish I knew all the answers.........

Friday, July 11, 2008

Wow, does this bring back memories or what! I used to blog on Xanga religiously.
I deleted my account due to the fact that I was always trying to please the people reading it.
I don't want to find myself doing that again. Hopefully I have matured and am able to be more honest with you as well as with myself.

Unfortunately, tonight I have a hot date with a dear friend who is moving away.